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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24727939">Who Broke the Coffee Machine?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/pidgeode/pseuds/pidgeode'>pidgeode</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Coffee, Crack, Dialogue belongs to Parks and Rec, Gen, Hotch is so done, How Do I Tag, Humor, Set Around Season 3, Swearing, The Author Regrets Nothing, based off a thing i saw on tumblr, or lack thereof, parks and recreation - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 02:20:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,016</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24727939</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/pidgeode/pseuds/pidgeode</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Rossi let out a decisive hum and put his hands on his hips. “So,” he said, “who broke it? I’m not mad; I just want to know.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>160</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Who Broke the Coffee Machine?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     When creating a profile, the first thing to look at is victimology--why this victim, in this place, at this time? From there, behavioral analysts are able to expand on this information and use it to narrow down a list of possible suspects.</p><p>     Right now, these said behavioral analysts stood in a semicircle at the crime scene, gazing down at their victim and hypothesizing characteristics of their unknown subject. At the head of the circle, David Rossi scanned his eyes across the team.</p><p>     Who was the victim in question?</p><p>     The BAU’s coffee machine.</p><p>     Rossi let out a decisive hum and put his hands on his hips. “So,” he said, “who broke it? I’m not mad; I just want to know.”</p><p>     The team stood silently, their behavior self-soothing, their eyes narrowed in distrust. This simple question had turned a family against each other in seconds--but then, a lack of caffeine will do that.</p><p>     Finally, Aaron Hotchner spoke up: “I did. I broke it,” he admitted.</p><p>     Rossi thought for a moment, then shook his head. “No,” he said. He could spot a liar when he saw one. “No, you didn’t. Prentiss?” He gestured to Emily Prentiss, who was avoiding eye contact.</p><p>     At the mention of her name, Prentiss crossed her arms defensively. “Don’t look at me,” she insisted, jerking a thumb to the frowning agent--Derek Morgan--standing next to her. “Look at Morgan.”</p><p>     “What?” Morgan exclaimed, aghast. “I didn’t break it.”</p><p>     “Huh, that’s weird,” Prentiss murmured, “How’d you even know it was broken?”</p><p>     “Because it’s sitting right in front of us and it’s broken!”</p><p>     Prentiss narrowed her eyes. “Suspicious.”</p><p>     Morgan threw his hands up in the air. “No, it’s not!”</p><p>     Suddenly, Dr. Spencer Reid chipped in: “If it matters--probably not,” he said, “but Garcia was the last person to use it.”</p><p>     Next to him, Penelope Garcia, the team’s technical analyst, gasped. “Liar!” she hissed, jamming a finger to Reid’s chest. “I don’t even drink that crap.”</p><p>     “Oh, really?” Reid lifted his eyebrows in disbelief. “Then what were you doing at the kitchenette earlier?”</p><p>     “I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles,” Garcia snapped, “everyone knows that, Reid!”</p><p>     “Okay, let’s not fight,” Hotch cut in. He turned to Rossi. “I broke it. Let me pay for it, Rossi.” The desperation was evident in his eyes, but Rossi shook his head defiantly. He was a man of justice.</p><p>     “No,” he said firmly. His voice hardened as he addressed the team in its entirety. “Who broke it?”</p><p>     Morgan leaned over to whisper in his ear. “Rossi,” he said softly, “JJ’s been awfully quiet.”</p><p>     Jennifer Jareau gaped and put her hands on her hips, raising her Mom Voice to its full power: “<em>Really?</em>”</p><p>     “Yeah, really!” Morgan shot back.</p><p>     That was a mistake. JJ marched over and grabbed Morgan by the shirt collar, leaning in close. “Derek Morgan, you take back that accusation <em> now.</em>”</p><p>     “JJ, stop!” Garcia cried, grabbing onto her shoulder.</p><p>     “That’s guilt if I ever saw it,” Prentiss declared.</p><p>     “<em>What?</em>” Garcia sounded genuinely hurt at this betrayal. “Emily, I would never!”</p><p>     “Actually, you would,” Reid chirped, “seeing as you broke the coffee machine last time.”</p><p>     Garcia whipped around and slapped him in the face. “Spencer Reid, you absolute <em> fiend!</em> Everyone knows you knocked it off the counter!”</p><p>     “Yeah, Pretty Boy,” Morgan sneered, “you have a record.”</p><p>     “He also accused Garcia earlier,” JJ reminded them.</p><p>     “Shifting the blame,” Emily agreed.</p><p>     “Seriously?” Reid scoffed, holding a hand to his throbbing cheek. “Would I ever compromise my coffee?”</p><p>     Morgan wagged his finger, nodding in realization. “Hotch is the one who wanted to pay for it,” he pointed out, “and we all know UnSubs like to inject themselves into the investigation.”</p><p>     Hotch, who had been quiet before, bristled. “That is just <em> not true,</em>” he growled. “I wanted to pay because I knew <em>this</em> was going to happen!”</p><p>     “Or you’re covering for someone,” Emily simpered.</p><p>     The rest of the words were caught up in an uproar of indignant shouts, the team yelling and swearing over each other. None were aware that while they had been so caught up in the investigation, the real UnSub slipped away, unnoticed. He crept stealthily along the FBI hallways, the murder weapon tucked in his jacket.</p><p>     The UnSub was interrupted by a sharp <em> click-clack </em> from the hallway. But unlike many guilty suspects, he did not run. Instead, he turned around to face Erin Strauss, a smile spreading across his face.</p><p>     “Dave,” Strauss hissed, “what the hell is going on? I’m getting complaints from every agent at Quantico saying your team is causing an uproar in the bullpen!”</p><p>     Rossi raised his eyebrows. “I think the coffee machine broke,” he said, batting his eyes innocently.</p><p>     Strauss put her hands on her hips. “What did you do?”</p><p>     After a moment, Rossi confessed: “I broke it. I burned my hand, so I punched it.” A slow smirk appeared on his face. “I predict ten minutes from now, they’ll be at each other’s throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good,” he added, waving his hand dismissively, “it was getting a little...<em>chummy </em> around here.”</p><p>     “Dave,” Strauss scolded, “you have been here for <em>four days</em>. Do I need to send you back into retirement?”</p><p>     “Erin,” Rossi replied with just as much bite, “I work how I work. I will <em>always</em> work how I work. And if you think <em>anything’s</em> changed, thi--”</p><p>     The rest of his words were cut off by a loud crash from inside the still-raging BAU. Reid’s voice raised above the chaos: “<em>SON OF A BITCH!</em>”</p><p>     “<em>OH, FUCK, SPENCE, NOW YOU’VE DONE IT!</em>” JJ shouted angrily.</p><p>     Strauss pinched the bridge of her nose. She glared daggers at Rossi and pointed a finger at him. “We will speak later.” And then she stormed off, leaving the other agent alone in the hallway.</p><p>     Rossi took in a deep breath and stuck his hands in his pockets. “It’s good to be back,” he said to no one in particular. Then, he turned on his heel, made his way down the hall, and left the building, satisfied.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you had as much fun reading as I did writing!</p><p>Ever heard about Nero and the Roman Empire fire? Historical parallels, I say. Historical parallels.</p><p>Here are the Tumblr posts that inspired this:<br/>https://incorrectcriminalminds.tumblr.com/post/176410492664/everyone-is-standing-around-a-broken-coffee<br/>https://theproblematicbitch.tumblr.com/post/619210468622581760/in-the-break-room-everyone-is-standing-around-a</p><p>I don't know who to give credit to, but the original script is from Parks and Rec. and I tweaked who says what.</p><p>P.S.: Halfway through S.13. I HATE BARNES and I know hate is a strong word but I've got strong feelings and props to whoever plays her because I can't stand her and her hem-hem Umbridge-ness</p></blockquote></div></div>
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